Coming from work, just when my father opened the door, he greeted me with this line; “You were BEATEN by [name]. He passed the CPA board exam first, before you even had the chance to take your own board exam.”
Last summer, I planned to leave our house to review in another review center. However, three days before the said exodus, my father went on a tantrum spree so I have to stay with him in our house and enroll in another review center nearby (even though I had already paid the review center and the boarding house.) The new review center offered to take our Transcript of Records, cases summary, and other requirements so they can file them to the PRC. For the convenience we agreed, my father was on a hyped with all teeth grinning telling me “I told you so.” But after a month in the review center they told us that the guy who should have passed the papers didn’t submit our requirements and fled away with all our payments. I was disheartened of course, but what really knocked me was when my father started to blame me for the misfortune. We had a terrible fight that I almost left the house for good. That was the first time I cried since my mother passed away.
So defensively I said, “I should have been able to take the board exam last June if you did not urge me to review in that review center.”
He answered, “That is if you passed last June? But would you have passed? If only your sister passed her own CPA board exam…” then he made some what-ifs litany about my sister’s work.
I would have blurted something malevolent but I was just too shocked by what he was saying. My mouth instinctively locked itself shut.
I never compete. I never do things just to impress anyone or to make someone happy. When I was in grade school, I used to pass the ugliest project in class but my teachers never give me low grades since they know, that unlike my classmates, I never ask for any help from anyone whenever I make my project- I draw my own album, I write my own poems, I type my own papers. AND I DID ALL THOSE THINGS NOT BECAUSE I WANTED TO GET HIGH MARKS OR IMPRESS MY TEACHERS OR COMPETE WITH MY CLASSMATES, BUT BECAUSE I WAS HAPPY CREATING STUFF ALL BY MYSELF. IF THERE IS ONE REASON WHY I WANT TO PASS THE BOARD EXAM THIS NOVEMBER, THE REASON WOULD BE BECAUSE I KNOW THAT PASSING THE BOARD AND GETTING A LICENSE WOULD BE THE ONLY THING THAT CAN MAKE ME HAPPY AT THE MOMENT.
I never compete with anyone, so the feeling of being compared to a used-to-be-friend is something that is alien to my senses and it is really frustrating. Why does he have to say the worst lines? He talks us if he didn’t have anything to do with my misfortunes. He was all smiling and flaunting on my demise. I would have understood his behavior if he has been a father to be proud of. Last week I had a chance to talk with his sister who was calling from the states. I told her that I don’t plan to go to work in the US. She asked me what my plan was. I told him that I don’t have a plan. I wanted to tell her that I don’t want to plan anything yet because I am afraid that my father might do something stupid again- say do a cartwheel three times on air and land his feet on my ass. I don’t want to be disappointed again. The only plan I have at the moment is to go out with Erika to see the Tigers in Subic on December, and if ever I fail me board exam this November, maybe I’ll just slit my jugular vein watch it bleed for sure, I’ll take the next the board exam next year.
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Guardian Angel Acosta
